I got chris browned last night
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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