Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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