i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
