I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize