the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
