Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
