Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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