sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
