I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
