just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
