My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
