So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
