Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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