Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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