When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Randomize
