Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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