The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
