She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize