just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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