I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
