don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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