No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
