I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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