So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
