sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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