I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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