Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize