he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
