i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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