I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just want nice things and good sex
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
