You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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