Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I cockslap morals
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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