My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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