i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
