I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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