What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
