I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
