it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
