Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
