Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
