does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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