dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
