I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
smell my finger.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
