I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
