If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
