I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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