you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
