I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
