I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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