Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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