When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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