I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
