Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
