Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
