the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
