I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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