I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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