so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
