i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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