One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
