apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
